Anger

I’m angry. I’m angry for a thousand petty reasons. But they’re my reasons, and as I’ve had pointed out to me recently, I have to own those reasons before they own me. I just want to tear into someone, I’m so torn up inside.

I’m angry that my dad died. I’m angry that he did NOTHING to set anything up for the eventuality of his death. It’s not like death is a surprise. Everyone dies. Denying it will happen will not cause it to skip you. So there was no insurance. No life insurance. No mortgage insurance. No nothing. All that was left to help Mom and the kids was the pension payout from New York State. My half of it will cover the entirety of the home equity loan that he apparently never paid more on than the minimum amount due. All he paid was the minimum amount that was ever due. Never towards the principle. Let the guy who loaned you the money sort out how much to pay him when. I’d love to use that money to buy a house, fix my car, get adult furniture, but I’ve already told mom that she can use it for what she needs.

I’m angry that I need to make sure she can keep the house. There’s the home equity, and the mortgage, too. I’m angry that I’ve got to make sure with mom that it’s taken care of, since the rest of my siblings seem content to just “BE”…. Mike covers some utilities, Andrea pays for Thomas’ daycare and her car, and I don’t know what Lauren pays for. I would imagine that they could pool their resources and make sure the house is taken care of. I don’t understand why it’s all status quo for them but I’ve got to be the adult.

Riekin says I’m enabling them to be dependant. To not grow up. To float through life. He said I should use the money for a down payment on a house and tell them all to grow up. Andrea’s dating someone who’ll probably kill her. She and Mike apparently still have guilt issues because they didn’t check on Daddy when they noticed his tv was on at an odd hour. And it’s easy to let yourself fall into that rut, to allow someone to take the blame, to blame yourself and get that pity. To not deal with life because you’re so in that stage of “why me I’m so horrible that this happened”…

Well, you know what. It was his time. He brought that on himself. Mom’s not convinced he was testing his sugar like the doctor told him to. Sure, he was exercising and eating better, but it’s hard to combat 57 years of eating bad and not exercising and smoking. I’m sure the doctor told him to quit, and he said fuck it.

Riekin says I need to be an adult, too. Maybe their lesson is to learn how to grow up and stand on their own. And my lesson is to allow them to do that and not jump in to save things. To let adults act like adults for once, and not like spoiled little brats.

But I can’t turn my back on them, especially when I told mom I’d already help her with stuff. I really feel like I’m being punished for actually getting out of the house and not relying on them. I’ve never, in over 10 years, asked them for anything. No money. No car. No nothing. Everyone else is at home. Andrea got out when she was living with Donnie, but she was only out part time, and when the relationship went south, she was right back at home. Mike used to live away from home, but after things went south with the girlfriend, he was back home, too. Lauren’s NEVER left home. She only got her driver’s permit a few months ago!

But I went away. I went to college. I moved to Florida. And I’ve never been back. I didn’t need the drama. I hated living where everyone knew everyone, and your business was not your own. The news about what you did that day would get home before you did most evenings. You were expected to stay in the role you got put into for your entire life, and if you deviate from it, well… then there’s something wrong with you. Is this not good enough for you? Well fuck you then, go off and do whatever it is that you want to do. We’ll be right here to let you know when you mess up.

And I feel like I’m being punished for it. I’m the oldest. I was always expected to be the grown up and make the grown up choices. I got to NY and took over. I made sure mom was okay. I picked flowers, and then called and raised hell when they didn’t show up. I made sure mom had a plate of food and took her meds and wasn’t bothered when she didn’t want to be. I was pissed that I didn’t remember my way around well enough to go out and pick up my nephew.

I treated my elders with respect. I made sure that she was taken care of. And I will do that forever. But god, I really need my family to step up to the plate and pitch in, too.

And I’m frankly pissed at the coven, too. Everyone’s got their issues, and I’m falling to pieces, and all people want to deal with is their own drama. Whether it’s the house repairs or army or school or who’s going off to college or whatever. I go out of my way to make time for everyone else to vent and bitch and try to help them out, but when it comes time for me to talk about what’s going on with me, I don’t feel like I can. I’ve been told that they think about my situation, and it makes them think about how they would feel if their dad died, or they’re really tired, because they worked a double shift, and all they want to do is go to bed, but I swear, we’ll talk about this stuff.

And I’m a schmuck because I let it happen. I really don’t want to be a burden on people. I don’t want to be a downer. But I really need to get this all out and be told that it’s not stupid and petty, even if it is. I don’t need to hear that my dad’s in a better place and he’s with the Goddess. That’s not really comforting right now. I need to know that I’m not entirely crazy, and that other people’s families are as screwed up as mine, and you know what, it seems really shitty right now, but I will get through it. It’s hard to see now, but the tunnel can’t go on forever. Eventually I’ll be past the point where I’m heading INTO the tunnel and will be heading OUT of it.

So what do I do? I get beat up in a friend’s kitchen, though they meant well, I still felt like I was assaulted. And I stand out in an overgrown field, hysterical crying, being eaten alive by bugs and venting to Riekin, who was nice enough to take me through all the bramble out to the Witch Tree. In a way, it felt like a labyrinth, I suppose. Coming out of the center was very calming, and I feel able to actually pour this out, rather than stuffing it into a ball in the pit of my stomach. Walking out to the tree, we talked, and at the tree it was very cathartic. Am I fixed? Fuck no, but at least I know I have to own these emotions, and not just disregard them because I feel that they’re petty or might bum someone out.

Family is supposed to be there for you, and I guess that’s why I feel obligated to bail my family out of this mess. But family can’t be a one-way street. And, in many respects, I feel that BOTH my families seem to be that way. And that sucks ass. So I guess I’m angry that the support that I’ve given to others isn’t returned to me when I need it. I never reach out unless I have to, and I suppose I’m once again suffering from that issue where people freak when I get emotional, or small, or can’t handle things on my own, because I’m so *NOT* usually that way. They don’t know what to say, and I know it’s hard to know what to say when someone’s hurt. But most of the time, you just have to let them yell and vent and beat against the ground. There’s nothing to say, but to be a sounding board and remind them that they’re human and while it’s crappy right now, and it doesn’t look like it will be, things will get better.

But you know, the worst thing to say to someone when they’ve suffered a loss is that the deceased is with God, or the Goddess, or wherever. It’s really not comforting. I remember when Alfred died, the instinct was to tell Al that he wasn’t really gone, that he was with God and that God would watch over them. But when you’re emotionally invested in the situation, you don’t want to hear that. You want the person back, and the gods be damned for taking them when you weren’t ready. Even the ladies from hospice said that telling the person who’s grieving that the deceased is in a better place is completely the wrong thing to do.

So I’m trying to work it out in my head, and on paper now, because there doesn’t seem to be very many people around that I can talk to who don’t immediately try to make me feel better. I want to feel better, yes, but I don’t need platitudes and frilly boxes to make me feel good. In fact, they make me feel worse. It’s like people don’t *WANT* me to be upset, because they prefer me nice and cheerful and happy. But I need to be upset, and I don’t feel like I have an outlet for that. So I guess I’m angry that people won’t just LET me be angry, rather than staring at me like I’ve grown a second, green fuzzy head and want to eat their souls.

I suppose that, when someone who’s near you looses someone who they love, it makes you think thoughts that you don’t want to think. So it’s easier to either try to cheer them up, because then they aren’t so down and gloomy, or avoid them, because it makes you uncomfortable. I don’t mean to make people uncomfortable. I just need to vent, and I don’t know how to do that in words without crying right now. Writing is easier. Its words on the page. I don’t have to see how the person who is reading them is reacting. I don’t feel them watching me as the words spill out. It’s safe. I never was good at talking about my emotions. That’s one thing I get from my family. We don’t do that, so it’s just too weird for me to try. But writing, writing is something I can do. I suppose it’s not a bad way to purge. I don’t know if it’s any better or worse than talking things out.

But right now I’m just achy. I’m bloated and crampy. I’m covered in bug bites and bruises, and I don’t know how I got most of the bruises. I’ve got scratches from head to toe. I’m sunburnt, and the nifty red in my hair is starting to go an interesting shade of orange. I guess camping’s a little rough on me.

Meditation Musings

(cross-posting, just 'cuz)

I've been working on this meditation for a month, and I think I really got it tonight. I convinced Doug to talk me through it. I'm so much better at guided meditations. I've been trying to identify two energies currently at play - patron deities and the iuno in my life.

I think tonight's meditation answered both of these.

Your patrons are your mother and father on this path. Dona Incendia and Amaranthea didn't exactly reveal that this was what this was about, but Don Draconus sort of let it slip in discussions with Dona Incendia during Mayfest, and I had figured it out before then. Your iuno, for a woman, is that "guardian spirit" in her life. It sort of protects the sacred feminine inside her. Men have one, but it's the genius.

I wrote up a meditation based on the meditation that Dona Incendia used with us on our initial journay down this path -- bringing us to our sacred space, entering our temple, and meeting with beings (might be people, might be spirits, might be animals) and then returning from there.

Tonight's meditation left me weeping.

I went to that temple space. The temple was dark and reflective. It was a beautiful day, and the sunlight glinted off the walls - obsidian? Around the doors was a wave-like design, chisled into the stone. On the doors themselves there was the tunnel I've seen a hundred times in meditations and dreams of late. Within the tunnel was a key.

The doors opened and I walked in. I felt a presence with me. Romeo was laying with me on the bed, and I believe he came with me through to the temple.

But it wasn't just Romeo my lovely familiar furbaby, he was different. I've known there's something special about that cat since forever. He's got old eyes. But there's more. It's like he's a dragon wrapped up in fur. There's pictures I have somewhere where he's peering over laundry I was folding, and it's a dragon's face. The way his ears laid back and his eyes look, it's almost as if it was a dragon peering out from behind rocks where he's made his nest, looking out in part with amusement and part with annoyance to see who is distrupting his nap.

The furbaby who accompanied me to the temple was this being. This cat-dragon. This large panther with white toes on his front paws (which is how I know it's Romeo), with black leathery wings. His snout was a little different - longer and more pronounced, but I would know my baby's eyes anywhere.

He entered with me, and we approached the altar. The same figures were there from the first time, and each time, I've done this meditation. The woman, dressed in gauzy white robes. Looking at her is like looking at one of those holographic images, where you look at it one way and it's a rose, and you tilt the picture and the rose becomes a vampire. She kept changing, from young to old. It didn't seem that she was the "maiden" persay, but somewhere between maiden and mother. There's a book that lists the stages of life, I think they have this as warrior or something, not sure. But she had long dark hair and her expression was very peaceful, very resolved. It was loving, but stern.

The man, dressed all in black gauzy robes. He's taller than the woman, broader. He's quite and does not speak hardly at all. It's as if he prefers to let her do the talking. I suppose that way, when he does speak, it's taken more to heart, more seriously. Again, I didn't see his features, but he exuded definate male energy.

The third man, older, who hung back and apart from the proceedings, yet with the understanding that they went on because he deemed them necessary. He's older, with a beard. Sort of like all those pictures you see of statues of Zeus.

The woman stepped forward first. She annointed me with the pentagram on my forehead and the crescent moon on my left shoulder. When she spoke, it was as if an echo was trying to catch up with the source, and every now and then surpassed it. She said I was trying too hard, and making things too difficult for myself. Yes, this path is not an easy path, but I'm complicating matters and making it harder on myself. They're really much more simple than I'm making them out to be. Her words reminded me of that Indigo Girls song "Least Complicated" - the hardest to learn was the least complicated..She ended with "The answer is in the quite silence of the shadows within."

The man stepped forward next. He annointed me and this time I remembered what it was. It was a key, wrapped in either a half-moon or perhaps the tunnel I've been seeing. He said simply Remember. This will grant you passage.

They stood together and I finally asked them who they were. The woman spoke and said that they were death and rebirth. They are that which was before and that which will continue after. They are the cold embrace of slumber between the worlds.

I think, at this point, I knew who they were. I think, at this point, I realized that they were Umbria and Dis... Proserpina and Pluto. I remembered that I was so intrigued by their names when I first read Grimassi's book. I remembered how the myth of the Descent of the Goddess so touched me, to the point that I wanted to hand myself over to the myth, give up my crown and sceptor and gown and shoes and approach Death. I remembered that no matter how many Treguendas I participated in, no matter how strong those energies became, it was always Shadowfest, their holiday, that resonated in me deep to my core. Yes, I was freed at Lupercus. I danced the bale fires of Beltane. I mourned for the God's sacrifice at Cornucopia, and welcomed the new Sun back at Natale... but it is always Shadowfest that I find most fulfilling. It's Shadowfest that I look forward to all year long, and that I miss as soon as the ritual is over. It's at that point during the year that we know the cold, soft caress of Death, realizing that it's not really an ending, but another step on the path. One more trial. One more test. One more gate to pass through.

At that point, it was as if flood gates were opened within me. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt so much love, yet so much expectation from them. I felt like I belonged.

When they returned to the altar and the third figure came forward, I asked who he was, and if I wasn't supposed to work with Neptune, since I'd been receiving all these lessons from Water over the past year, and that seemed to fit in with what Amaranthea had told me about how patrons worked in your life. The older man said that there was, indeed, much to learn from the water, but that I must not neglect the other worlds. He said that the two others in the temple can guide me on my path deep inside myself.

He returned to the altar with the other two, and they all passed through the mirror. When I went to the altar, there was the arrangement of shells again. This time, there was a key in the center of the semi-circle. I picked it up and it seemed to hum, a humming that reverborated deep into my core.

I left the altar and returned to my regular body.

Doug was amused a bit at the end of the meditation. I suppose it's easy to see that he followed along to see where things were going. I wish that was something I could do. I get glimpses of what other people see, but to see it as clearly as he does... I supposed if I didn't try so hard, it might happen. We talked about what was there, and that I was a little hesitant to believe that it was Umbria and Dis. We discussed many things, and many lives. We talked about balance, and how as bright and light as I am, there's also a darker side that's equally present. How I'm able to work light and dark without too much effort to change between the two. How the moment I read their names, Umbria and Dis, I was obsessed to find out more about them, and frustrated when I couldn't find out as much as I wanted. How everything had to be better than perfect for Shadowfest, when the rest of the time perfect would suffice. How I always came home from that ritual just spent, yet gushing. In each lifetime, I've always walked just on the shadow side of light. Not deep in the darkness, but just enough shadows to know how the other half lives, and to have a respect for it that most people don't.

There's a side of me that was rejecting this idea. I mean, they are Dona Incendia's patrons. A part of me worried that it might seem like I was trying to be more like her, or something.. the words aren't coming out right but there's still that fear. But then, I think, possibly this is what brought me to want to work more with her, that we resonate similarly on several different levels, and that she might be one of the few people who would be able to help me with some of the lessons that are in store for me, as she's worked with Umbria and Dis for some time.

And everytime I waver in my thoughts, it's as if a physical rope is tugging at me, drawing me back, and reminding me that it is not my choise to pick them, but their choice to pick me, and that I must deal with that as I need to, but it will not change matters.

And I feel so overflowing... so loved... so right.

As for the iuno, I've gone through several thoughts on this. My first thought was the Bear. Because I do have a Bear protector. But it's not the same way. My bear protects me physically. My bear would kill anyone who hurt me if I asked him to. But I don't believe the Bear is my iuno. Then I remembered running with the wolves, and my long-held desire to have a wolf companion. But then, that's a companion, not a protector. It was during this meditation that my true protector showed himself to me. My panther dragon. My god, I must make sure to give him more treats!

I've never felt so spent, so emotional at the end of a meditation. It was like flood gates were opened and a thousand insights came all at once.

Recaps and Musings

It's been a little bit since I've sat down and put finger to keyboard to make an entry in the blogger. I've been half-assed posting to the livejournal of late, because I've got friends who read that, and well, I really haven't been feeling that "magickal touch" of late.

And it's not really from lack of trying. But I've been so mired down in very mundane aspects of life - work, cats, more work....

I haven't really given too much thought to subjects of spirituality of late. I mean, I have been, but I haven't been. It's really a motivation issue. I've been so focused on getting the cats to feel better that I really haven't focused on myself.

Romeo had an eye issue. To the point where he wouldn't let you touch his face. And he wouldn't open his eye. Luckily, we had a vet appointment the next day so he got checked out immediately. The girls got rabies vaccines, and we went home. After three days of anti-biotics and eye goo, his eye looks fine. But in that time, I didn't notice Sammy having her reaction to the rabies shot. I thought she was simply watching after Romeo (we've been calling her "Mom" of late, as she takes care of everyone), but once he was back and bouncy, she was really lethargic and sore to the touch. Looks like the rabies shot didn't disappate into her muscle the way it should've, and she's been sore all week. So I've been worried about her to the point where I'm coming home right from work and spending time with her, rather than doing the half a million other things I should be doing, like working out.

I've been in definate "mommy mode" the last two weeks. Taking care of my cats and my employees. But now Sammy's starting to get back to normal. She still has a big lump on her right hind leg muscle, but that looks like where they gave her the shot. She's starting to want to play, but it looks like she's hesitant to put too much strain on the muscle cause it still hurts. We even gave her one of Romeo's pain pills one of the nights to make her able to sleep.

So, now I'm back into more spiritual mode, now that it looks like everyone's leveling out fine. I've got my stuff packed to go to Curves tonight, so I can get into that zen meditative state that I used to be addicted to. And I can start to use the CD I just picked up to do more meditations. And I've straightned up the altar area, and even left an offering for the lares the other night. I really needed their help in fixing my kids.

Cause and Effect?

Okay, so remember that meditation I did for my friend? The one that got him this really amazing girl?

I'd asked him if he wanted me to do another working on the most recent moon, to reinforce what I did. He said no, he thought things were progressing nicely. So two days ago, I cleared off my altar of the remaining bits of the working - moved my love herbs back to their place in the cabinet, put away the Lovers tarot card I had out, moved the candled, blah blah blah.

So today, I come in and he's telling me that she broke things off with him, no reason. Was my clearing of my altar for a new working part of that? Was the energy working not done and I somehow broke the connection?

Or do I have to trust the Universe to be unfolding as it should. I nudged him in the right direction, and things were going well.

So now, I'm wondering if I should have done something for him even though he said not to. Or at least, simply moved the components to another location, but keep them together. And now he's very much back into the "I set myself up for this - who am I to think that anyone would actually want to date me" mindset which is going to make me have to beat him with a stick.

Not sure what to do here...

Happy Spring Equinox!

Today's the Spring Equinox, Ostara to some, Primavera to others. On this day, when day and night are equal, we celebrate the duality of nature. We rejoice in the maturity of the young Sun God. We see the first shoots of new growth all around us. Energy is building as the days grow longer and warmer. Those seeds we planted in the darkness of winter are starting to pierce the ground, basking in the light of the Sun.

For Strega, this is also the time when the Goddess has finished Her ascent from the Underworld. This is the last of the God holidays. The Goddess shall start Her reign with the next Treguenda.

Spring used to be really easy for me to see when I lived up north. It really *was* the time that everything was piercing through the ground and starting to thrive. Down here in FL, the days are getting really warm. We're at a really good place in our growing season. Just about any seed you toss on the ground will sprout. We're not quite at the days when you have to water two and three times a day to make sure things survive the harshness of summer.

But I'm starting to get more aclimated to the FL seasons, and, with that, aclimated to the energies at play. I can feel the draw to be creative and grow at this time of year. It's not too hot to spend the day outside yet. And the nights are still pretty mild - you can head down to the beach, lie on the sand, and watch the moonlight dance on the ocean waters. Of course, you'd not go INTO the water -- it's too frackin' cold! ;)

I spent this weekend in quiet contemplation with my coven. We had our divination class last night, watched Ninth Gate after class (it was way too late for me - I fell asleep. Please don't tell me how it ends!! I'll be renting it this week!). This morning, we sat in circle space out in the covenstead (backyard of our HPS is where we've set up a permanent temple space), meditated on Spring and what we'd like to grow in our lives. Then, we decorated clay pots, inscribing them with runes and sigils, and planted flowers that we will tend as we make the steps in our lives to bring what we'd like into fruition.

It was really very nice to spend time with everyone. There was a little tension earlier on in the evening on Saturday, but by Sunday morning, it seemed to have been slept off.

And, of course, as always happens when we're in temple space during the day, I am amazingly well sunburnt!!! :)

Energy in Lake Wales

This weekend I was invited to go to Bok Tower in Lake Wales with Lady Bridget and her group. I'd never been before, and she says she goes each year. I haven't had much time outdoors of late, and it would be a chance to spend some time with Lady Bridget, who I love to death.

We got up there after a long, early morning drive. We had lunch, then wandered towards the tower. It's HUGE. It's BEAUTIFUL. It's so full of energy!!! It's a very grounding experience. We wandered about the area around the tower before settling down on the lawn. As I sat down, I felt the lower half of my body sink into the ground. I was afraid that if I laid down on the ground, I'd sink so deep that it would nearly impossible to get up. And the air smelled crisp, and carried with it the scent of orange blossoms.

After meditating on the grounds for a little bit, we set off to explore the grounds. You can find pictures that I took ->in this album<-

I can't even begin to vocalize all the wonderful things we saw and experienced while we were there. It felt like renewed earth energy. The area was really hit hard by the recent hurricanes, so much of the canopy was gone and parts of the trails were blocked off for safety. Trees were hurt, plants were missing.

But things are growing back. Even after such a devistating series of events, nature shows us that, given time, it will rebuild itself. It might not be exactly what it was before the hurricanes, but it will be what it is now meant to be. Nothing is so devistating that we cannot come back after it. We might not be the same person, but we will be who we are meant to be.

There was a sense of loss there. But there was also the energy of rebirth. There was a "just give us a little bit and we'll be better" energy rounding through. We encountered a small oak grove that had some of that weak "we're trying to get back to normal" energy. We all stopped, joined hands, and gave what energy we could back to the earth and trees around us.

But for someone who didn't know it before the storms, I still thought it was very beautiful, very tranquil, very grounding. I've been having some hard times getting in touch with the grounding energies, but on this trip, it was very easy. And I've been trying to tap into what it felt like over the last few days, to remember how to get in touch with those strong earth energies, and how to give back to the earth as well.

Interesting, though, that I wasn't able to sense the earth energies really strong until I got in touch with the energy coming from the water that surrounds the Tower. It was from the circling energy of the water around the Tower that the earth energies came through to me. I guess it's because I'm more able to attune to water of late. But once that connection was made, I didn't need to go through the Water energies to get to Earth again.

It was also really interesting to just feel the energy swirling around you. When the bells played, you could see the ripples of energy coming down the tower, spreading out in all directions. Higher notes seemed to spiral down, while the deeper tones rained down in cascading waves. You could feel the energies moving through the air and ground. And you could sense the spider webbing of energies leaving (or coming to) the tower from other areas. The tower is a nexus of ley lines, and you could really sense the powerful energies at play.

Who'd have thunk it. All in the middle of Florida. Especially in the middle of Lake Wales.

Working out with Minerva

I finally got over to Curves to resume workouts. I was disheartened when I got on the scale and saw that I'd backslid almost to where I was at this time last year. But then, for the last 7 months, I haven't been doing ANYTHING.

But getting back into the rhythm of the workout, losing yourself in the counting and breathing. I'd forgotten what an interesting meditative space that is. I almost get upset when people try to talk to me while I'm working out, because I'm really existing outside of the workout, listening between the heart beats.

And this time around, I felt invigorated. I felt liberated. I felt like I was fighting the enemy army. I felt inspired. I felt MOTIVATED.

Is that what Minerva's been trying to relay to me? A swift kick in the ass? As I attacked each machine, I felt like I had a platoon of soldiers behind me, lending me strength. And as I conquered each one (egads, the SQUAT MACHINE SUCKS!), it was as if a mighty "HUZZAH" was raised in my honour.

I've also been motivated over the past week to start getting things in order so that I can save for my new house. And to get into those crafts that I've been putting aside for the past few months. And getting homeworks caught up. And noted typed in. And organizing my BOS.

And I feel like I'm really learning lessons from all these things. Not to slack off. Not to let the lazy side of myself carry me into complacency. Not to let people step all over me. Not to let work get in the way of living my life.

To be in those spaces between the breaths and heartbeats was a really good feeling. I could almost hear the rattle of her armor and the call of her owl.

Minerva Musings

For the past few weeks, I've been obsessed with Minerva. I'm seeing owls everywhere, even in my dreams. I believe she has a message for me, and I've just got to put two and two together to figure out what it is.

In my dreams, I see owls. I always equate them with wisdom. But I also get this overwhelming feeling of protection and defense. Defensive warfare rather than attacking. Like I didn't provoke the fight, but, by gods, I'll be happy to finish it up for you. There's a power, an inner strength, and a loyalty there, along with a sense of fair play. But I'm not sure what it all means.

I thought that the best way to figure out what she might be trying to relay to me, I would do some research on the Goddess Herself. I knew that she was associated with Athena, but I remembered that often, while the Greek and Roman names are sometimes used interchangeably, there's some attributes that are given to one but not the other.

===============

Like her Greek counterpart, Minerva was also born from her father's head, full-grown and clad in armour. Ovid called her the "goddess of a thousand works". She presided over the crafts of men (agriculture, navigation) and women (spinning, weaving, and needlework). She was also a warlike deity, but it was defensive war that she patronized. The serpent and the owl are sacred to her. The serpent is an emblem of life energy and the creative impulse. The owl is a symbol of death and wisdom. Thus Minerva, a goddess of dawn and wisdom, is also a goddess of death and transformation.

She was wisdom incarnate in female form, the goddess therefore of the application of intellect to everyday work, thus of commerce and crafts. She was also said to be the inventor of music, that most mathematical of arts, as well as the instruments on which it is played.

===============

So what is she trying to tell me? How is she relevant to my life, and where are her energies at work?